The Burchell Arms Regulars/KWNN Reports

Knights Watchmen It's not propaganda if it's true.

KWNN Digital Edition We bastardize the profession of journalism, but we do it with spirit! Today is Saturday, June 1 2024

Editor's Note Welcome to where information begins and wisdom ends! --05 Aug 08-23: Operation Wilted Dicks Droid is dead—the Empire strikes back By UnreliablePropagandist MALTON, Aug 05 2023 (KWNN)—The last thing Parham heard before finding Kevan: “Let’s get some sun on this flower!” The Flowers of Decay are an association of failed gardeners and florists, all of whom had filed for bankruptcy at some point after 2005. Known for venting anger by using sharpened garden shears on passerby, rather than reading self-help books, all members of the FoD are currently wanted for multiple counts of homicide each. Some analysts point to that criminal record as a primary cause of the post-2005 decline in international demand for plant exports from Malton. Others disagree; a sunflower speaking on the condition of anonymity suggested that the FoD cannot be held accountable for supply chain disruptions and changing market conditions during a zombie apocalypse. Whatever the truth may be, the FoD are detested across Malton, and sources in the BAR indicate that the FoD’s summer camp activities have finally precipitated an organized reply. Operation Wilted Dicks is in full swing, and the Regulars have slain multiple Flowers and set a new 48-hour kill record for the summer of 2023. As of August 5, the tally includes four Flowers and two GKers. Sources say the groundwork was laid early on Friday morning. While on a brisk jog, FennisZoterman spotted three enemies in southwestern Dulston: Parham and ScoutSgt Baffels, both Flowers, and IG11, a malfunctioning Roomba, were fast asleep in clubs. Armed with that knowledge, gears began spinning at the Burchell Arms. Though the BAR are themselves no strangers to passing out on Thursday nights, which is when the weekend truly begins, peace was never an option. Exemplifying that point, two hours after Zoterman’s jog, FrozenFrosting woke up to find himself slain by Infamous—yet another Flower. However, according to witnesses, Frosting’s final act of bravery—gripping his murderer’s testicles with a zombified hand—held down Infamous long enough for ewefluffypuff to reach out of the air ducts and drag him away like a xenomorph at 11:34 AM. Those were the opening shots of the BAR’s impromptu cleanup campaign across northeast Malton. At 5:56 PM, Alice Gravesend and Bawnjorno rappelled down the stripper pole into Club Dowell (90, 08). Dropping the one-liner on Parham, to widespread acclaim, Gravesend kneecapped him as Bawnjorno opened broadsides. The murderer was reduced to a light purée. At 6:10 PM, Emerson Snow ambushed and lightly wounded Baffels in the adjacent, blacked-out Club Garrett (90, 09). Snow’s efforts were visibly hampered by false promises from Kevan, god of phoney probabilities, yet Baffels fled from the scene—handing the BAR an unmitigated propaganda victory. “Close, but no cigar,” Baffels, the only FoD member to escape the sweep, commented wryly on August 5. At 11:18 PM, Bawnjorno spotted IG11 sitting idle in Club Cocker (90, 05). Witnesses speculated that IG11 had been immobilized by a surprise Windows update. The truth may never be known, however, as IG11 was reduced to cheap scrap: an ignoble, but poetic end for a Roomba that had destroyed so many generators. The kills would have made for an unqualified victory by any definition, according to independent analysts following the cleanup effort, but the BAR continued the sorties into a second morning. Three more kills, bringing the total to six, have since been announced in a brief press release. At 12:36 AM on August 5, Dingers dispatched Slambammam in the Gwinn Building (86, 19). Witnesses interviewed by KWNN reported that Dingers was singing “Flowers in the Rain” (1967) by the Move while doing so. Next, at 09:49 AM, ewefluffypuff dispatched Trashcan’Man at a club just up the street. The BAR admitted suffering a setback when she was felled in a kill-and-run—by a revived Infamous—at the Burchell Arms afterwards, though Rockefella Plaza had dispatched him also by 12:51 PM. More details are expected to be released by a BAR spokesperson at a press conference in the evening. While it is unclear why so many players classified as “tossers” had congregated around southwestern Dulston, a suburb only memorable for its lack of memorability, Zoterman theorized that the Flowers were hunting for ammunition at Treweeke Mall. For Bawnjorno, that theory is comforting—otherwise, he says, “the only other explanation was that they were hosting the least popular convention possible, and that’d just be embarrassing, as much as we love those wankers.” As with previous search-and-destroy operations, also known as “locate-and-bifurcate extravaganzas,” the weekend’s sorties were carried out by the Knights Watchmen—a Spice Girls fanclub within the BAR that dates back to the 1996 release of Spice. Bawnjorno, the fanclub’s waterboy, informed KWNN reporters that the fanclub was hiring. However, candidates must down thirteen shots prior to the interview, or risk being labelled as normal people. When asked for comment, members of the FoD reacted to the BAR’s pruning sweep with characteristic sportsmanship and good humour—and the promise of reunions to come. “Blood makes the flowers grow,” Parham said. “We all must do our part.” 07-23: Operation Melted Cheese “Bacon is a dish best served minced,” says BAR co-leader By UnreliablePropagandist MALTON, July 02 2023 (KWNN)—Craggy and jaded, and inebriated and infuriated, the Burchell Arms Regulars kicked off a series of successful search-and-destroy efforts across northeastern Mallon earlier today. Sources inside the BAR report an “excellent” day. At 10:40 AM GMT, vengeance-seeking Regular and commanding Knight Watchman Dingers located the wanted criminal Smiley John at St. Arnold’s Church (80, 18) in Rolt Heights. Dingers, following his IKEA instruction manual, executed the rapid unplanned disassembly of John’s body. In news not previously reported, fellow veteran Regular and Knight Watchman Alice Gravesend had also scratched out John at St. Arnold’s on 29 July. It remains unknown how the priest, an erratic man with irregular patterns, has recently been so reliably assassinated by the Knights Watchmen—a simple babysitters’ club within the BAR. The second raid occurred at 11:21 AM, when sharp-eyed Regular and charming Italian Alex Potter spotted Cheese Baconator at Bearcrofte Bank (98, 11) in Pescodside. Baconator, a man long on enthusiasm and short on talent in the performing arts, was wanted on five counts of murder. Rockefella Plaza responded to the call immediately, with FrozenFrosting, his spotter, providing light and spending 27 AP on trash talk. With uncharacteristic efficiency, Baconator was blasted into healthy, low-sodium chunks of pork, proving that minced bacon does taste best. Witnesses reported having no clue about Baconator’s reason for hiding in the derelict bank’s pitch-black vault. However, given that a deflated rubber duck and two empty bottles of lotion were later recovered from the scene, one can only assume the worst. The third raid was launched at 2:53 PM, when Gravesend located Trashcan’Man at Broke Bank (82, 10) in Rolt Heights. “Trash,” as he was affectionately known, was notorious for destroying the BAR’s portable generators in hit-and-run attacks throughout the Burchell Arms area. Gravesend executed the popular wrestling move known as the “Meat Grinder,” in which the wrestler pulls a pistol from her waistband and converts her opponent to ground meat. Rumours abound as to his motives; a new theory is that Trash seeks to symbolically re-enact the destruction of his marriage, the engine that gave his life light, in a futile attempt to change the final outcome—which saw him losing the house, first to his ex-wife and second to the zeds. In the aftermath of the operation, several BAR members were available for comment. “After being cheekily PKed by BaconCheeseantor, I thought there was only one way to redress the imbalance they had so cravenly initiated,” Plaza said. “And thanks to our spotter's network, it became a matter of moments to head up to the butthead's lair, and chop him into mince.” “Canny day for the BAR, that,” Dingers noted. Operation Melted Cheese marks a departure from the BAR’s track record of making slapdash attacks with drained AP tanks. International observers speaking on the condition of anonymity wondered if the recent raids reflected the evolution of a new BAR—sharp, sober, and squared-away—or just a flash in the pan, akin to a drunken student’s moment of mathematical brilliance at 3 AM, followed by forgetting how to operate a walk signal button. 06-23: Operation Yew Tree Operation Yew Tree: “An unmitigated clusterfuck” By UnreliablePropagandist MALTON, June 23 2023 (KWNN)—At 11:29 PM GMT, longtime Burchell Arms Regular and weary bartender Dingers spotted the wanted criminal Smiley John at St. Arnold’s Church (80, 18) in Rolt Heights. Smiley John had been charged with two counts of homophobia, two counts of proselytism, and nineteen counts of talking too much. Dingers put out the call shortly after, marking the start of the first operation executed by the reconstituted Knights Watchmen, a book club within the BAR that was last active in 1999. Rockefella Plaza was the first to arrive, followed by Bawnjorno. The Knights spent the next 10 minutes bollocking around—sending taunts and discussing what objects, such as beer cans, the target would be killed with. Coming to a decision, Bawnjorno opened fire at 11:40 PM and brought the target to 4 HP. It was at this point that the cluster at Arnold’s became a clusterfuck, because all three Knights realized they were out of AP. As shit hit the fan and sprayed a fine mist over all the drunken idiots present, the Knights called for backup. RoyDisco arrived on the scene at 11:55 PM, only to find that the target had healed back up to 55HP—signalling a tragic turn in the BAR’s fortunes, rivalled only by the unfortunate events at Dingers’s bar that same evening. Within five minutes, ewefluffypup picked up her phone and her car keys; the Barkeep rode shotgun. But nobody had more than fumes in the AP tank. It’s often said that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Sometimes, you have six hands and no fucking birds—in keeping with the highest traditions of the misfits comprising the BAR. “I am not a choirboy,” Plaza was quoted by KWNN as saying. “And they don’t need to know that.” The operation was ultimately called off, though Knights continue to linger in Rolt Heights. The suburb is known for its inactive night life on account of the devastation wrought by the apocalypse, making it a common home for PKers lacking friends to go out with. UPDATE TO STORY: MALTON, June 24 2023 (KWNN)—At 12:24 AM, Frozen Frosting arrived on the scene. Making the lucky number seven lucky again, Frosting finally killed Smiley John at Arnold’s—redeeming Operation Yew Tree, now described as a “mitigated clusterfuck.” Eyewitnesses described Frosting as having driven west with a shotgun full of sprinkles and a cake box full of vengeance. Credit: Page adapted from C4NT [1]. | Note: Channel 4, please come back to us.